Speaking Their Language

We are often advised to respond by paraphrasing the speaker’s statement in order to make people feel that we understand what they are saying.  And let me tell you, this is a therapist’s tool and should not be attempted by anyone who is NOT a therapist. 

The speaker has already told you what they think.  You don’t have to dig any deeper.  Just indicate that you understand by re-stating what they actually think, and not what you think they think.  Whatever you think it means, you are WRONG.  That person is expressing an internal state, exactly as they are experiencing it.  Their feeling understood is not actually dependent on your understanding.  It is dependent on your ability to speak their language. In that moment, they are telling you what they want you to know.  All you have to do is acknowledge that the message was received, exactly as it was delivered. 

When you speak the other person’s language – their exact language – they don’t have to decode what you said, correct anything, or feel that their communication to you failed. 

What’s really interesting about this exercise is that if you proceed, you WILL begin to understand.  They’ll give you more.  And as you speak their language, you will come to understand their experience, even if it’s not your dominant experience.  So you want to use a little caution in engaging people at this level.  You may find yourself being drawn into a relationship that you’d rather not have. 

But at the casual level, this is an extremely effective way of putting others at their ease.  Guests, customers, co-workers, and supervisors can all be made to feel understood simply by asking a casual question and repeating the answer given in exactly the way it was given.  Simple.  If you want to go further, elicit more information and repeat that answer back. 

Here’s how it works: 

Q: So what do you think about the new restaurant next door?
A: Eh, I’m not really crazy about Thai food.
Q: Oh, I see.  You’re not really crazy about Thai food? 
A: No, not really.  I don’t hate it.  It’s not in my top 10. 
Q: It’s not in your Top 10.  Okay.  Which restaurants ARE in your Top 10? 

Pro tip:  If it feels weird when you parrot phrases back (be assured that it does NOT sound weird to your partner – they chose those words because they LIKED them), try smiling when you speak.  Just pretend that you’re talking to someone you’re already comfortable with, and put a pleasant expression on your face.  It works.