“I Can’t” is a POSITIVE Statement

But one of my earliest teachers was fond of pointing out that every “negative” expression contains a positive intention. Our job is to stop arguing with the experience another person is having, and discover the positive jewel buried beneath it.  One of his favorites was “I can’t.”

Here is how he broke it down:  

I can’t do it = I cannot do it.

I cannot do it = I can not do it.

I can NOT do it.  
I CAN not do it.  

I can choose to not do a thing.  

More often than not, we’ve created an image of perfection that may or may not be attainable or even realistic, and attached a heavy penalty to any perceived failure.  We’ve inadvertently given that (usually vague) consequence SO MUCH POWER that we feel DISEMPOWERED.  Really looking at the language that we use to describe our experience offers us an opportunity stop fighting with it and just accept the choice before us.   When I’m making a CHOICE, I’m in control.  

The moment I move back into the driver’s seat, I begin weighing the risks and benefits from a rational perspective.   But first, I must have permission to choose whether or not I will do a thing.  

This is beautifully demonstrated by the child who is a picky eater and running his mother ragged trying to “get him to eat”.  I always recommend giving him permission to choose. Just make what YOU want to eat, be sure to include something that you know he will eat IF HE CHOOSES TO, and when/if he refuses, assure him that he doesn’t have to eat it.  Odds are excellent that he’s not really fighting over food, he’s fighting over his right to choose.  Will he be hungry when you refuse to make a special meal at 10:00 PM?  Of course.  But it won’t kill him to miss a meal.  And he will have discovered MORE information that assists him in making the same choice tomorrow.  But the choice should ALWAYS be his to make. Children are remarkably reasonable when their reason is called on.  And remarkably resistant when their resistance is called forth.  

We ALL experience that phenomenon.  When people try to deny our experience, argue with it, or demand compliance, we tend to dig in and defend our position, no matter how logically indefensible it is.  But when others accept our right to feel however we feel, our resistance retreats.  It’s no longer needed.